Hardest day of your life yet

 Tomorrow is your first day at the day care. Mommy and I are very anxious. We took you to Day Care to see the teacher this afternoon (Sunday) so you will be a little familiar w/ the place. You were shy at first, then started playing w/ your favorite slide. The slide was quite a challenge for you. Instead of a regular stair leading up to the top, you had to climp onto two chairs, then into a small tunnel, before you enter the platform where you can slide down. The entire thing was slightly slanted and covered in cobweb. I led you go up and figure it out. You quickly figured out and started playing it on your own. We were very proud of you and knew that you will hit your stride, albeit w/ some initial struggle. We are really worried about the initial struggle though. I still remember taking you to your first regular checkup. I was so worried because the doctor needed to give you some shots! I rather took those shots for you than let this little innocent baby suffering through pains. How would you know that it’s good for you, or it would stop quickly? All you knew was this terrible pain after daddy took you to this strange office on a normal day. How could I subject you to that? I remember preparing a piece of chocolate in my pocket, half bitten (so not too big for your tiny mouth), ready to give it to you when you cried. Over the year, the fear never went away. Every time I had to take you to the doctor’s for checkup (every 3 month for the first two years!!), I always dreaded it and prepared candy for you. Now, tomorrow is going to be worse than all your doctor’s appointments combined. I much rather you get 10 shots tomorrow than suffer through the feeling of being abandoned by your parents–is that what you are going to think?

You are very attached to us. Other kids walk, you want us to hold you. When you sit down, you ask us to sit with you. When I fed you fruit, you made sure I also get a piece once a while. You would hold my hand and point at the fruit, and point at my mouth. Even at 20 month old, you wouldn’t let go of mommy. At dinner time tonight, you wouldn’t play alone in the living room. You wanted mommy to sit next to you while playing. Like many nights, she didn’t/couldn’t eat dinner and had to play with you. Even just leaving you for a moment on the other side of the room would make you cry. How then can I imagine you learn to be independent tomorrow? Till now mom feeds you every night, multiple times a night, as we sleep with you, because you can’t sleep on your own. (It’s really our fault for not wanting to sleep train you.) Anyway, my point is, I am really worried! I plan to take you alone and be nonchalant about it. Vincent and Bonnie told me that if I act worried, you would feel worried, so I must act business as usual. In the bag that will go with you, I put your favorite doll (Jonah), a picture of us, and even a box of chocolate that says “open this if she can’t stop crying….” We love you so much and don’t want you to go. I almost felt like Abraham giving up Isaac–the sense of giving you up to a complete stranger, trusting that you will survive, and thrive, when I am not there to watch over you. You still bump your head all the time! Even today, you squeeze a bottle of bug repellent into your face/eyes. It irritated your eye and made you cry so much you threw up on mommy. Mommy was so scared and wanted to take you to urgent care. I grabbed a gallon of water (we were at a picnic) and poured onto your face three times. You were crying hysterically. You see, we were both watching you yet we couldn’t prevent you from hurting yourself, how do we trust that two teachers watching 12 kids can take care of our Audrey well? You don’t nap without our help. Last Friday I walked in the sun for an hour holding you (21lb) after rocking you in the house for 30 minutes, followed by 30 minus of driving. After two hours, you still wouldn’t sleep! How can I believe that you can sleep at the day care? They are just gonna put you on a mattress along w/ 11 other kids on the floor. You are basically going from a 5 star hotel to orphanage level of care…

Why are we doing this though? Well, as much as we hate to, we know we can’t keep you w/ us forever. For one thing, how clingy/attached you are to us is proof that we are overbearing parents that will probably not help with your growth. We love you so much, and often time it means we have to let you go, let you grow up, gain the skills you need to become independent, strong, and mature. As much as I wish I could be there for you for the rest of your life (some people do try, using trust/money to exert influence after death), I know that’s not what is best for you. Often time when you are at home, grandparent would just let you watch iPad (you are extremely addicted to it at a young age, and very proficient at it too). What you need is learning with other kids, become sociable, very much unlike your parents and grandparents. We are parents of very overbearing parents ourselves (your grandparents), and I can see clearly what kind of problem it creates over the years.

Anyway, tomorrow is a big day that you probably will forget (I don’t remember much before elementary school), but I want you to know that it’s a day that we will never forget (like many days in your life so far, which have been incredibly rewarding). You won’t remember when you grow up, and you won’t even know it tomorrow, but as you are crying and probably throwing up, thinking your parents have abandoned/forsaken you, and that you are in this weird scary place full of stranger kids, absent of all things familiar to you, and it never ends (all day!), we will be thinking about you (crying too), and praying for you. It’s actually very much like how our relationship w/ God often is… we cry and feel completely alone sometimes….it’s all part of growing up. Dear Audrey we love you.