first day of day care

 you were such a strong and brave girl. you cried for almost an hour. daddy was waiting outside in the car after dropping you off for an hour. w/ window rolled down, i was listening for you. you kept calling “dada dada” hysterically, screaming, urgently, like you were grasping onto life. i felt so sick. i cried. i thought of how many times i cried to God in my life thinking God is not there, and that i am alone. you didn’t know when you were crying for any hour desperately for help, that your father, me, was crying outside too. daddy was praying for you to be a strong girl, to grow up and adjust to day care. this is the hardest step you have taken yet, but many more are to come in your life. 

i thought about bella who at your age had to battle cancer…. that must be so much worse and i do not know how did her parents explain to her about what was going to happen to her life. i felt more strength entering into my body knowing bella could go through surgery and chemo at your age… i know you will survive and come out stronger.

your teacher texted us a video of you playing. well, you looked very angry and mournful, but you were helping teacher to put block into a basket with other kid. you were holding onto jonah dearly like it was the only thing familiar to you…. i was so grateful for jonah… daddy actually bought another one just in case you lose that one at the day care! anyway, daddy was so proud of you when you finally stopped crying. the rest of the day wasn’t easy for you. you cried several more times (teacher told us), but at the end you were able to nap, eat snack, even some noodles, and lasted a full day. mommy and daddy picked you up at 340pm.

we both cried a lot during the day thinking / worrying about you, even gotten into a fight arguing whether this daycare is good enough for you. it’s really not the best day care, and i don’t know if you will know one day, that daddy and mommy are used to have the best of everything. however, i really thought that we shouldn’t provide you with a sterile environment. i wanted you to be grounded, get used to how common people live their life, their struggle, even if you have to attend a day care that’s not the cleanest or w/ the most stringent health/covid protocol. at the end i believe it would be good for you. in fact, both daddy and mommy grew up poor and had way worse than you. our parents (your grandparents) were even worse. that’s how it works, the tale of immigrant families. anyway, you know we love you so much and will always do what’s best for you, even if it means there is temporary pain, because it will build your character so you can become a mature woman of God.

you are sleeping now. not sure if you know you will go back to day care…. actually a school like routine really, for the rest of your life. day care, pre-k, kindergarten, 1-12, college….ah that’s so sad to think about. it’s a really long journey and i am excited for you, but at the same time, it’s really the end of the most innocent period of your life where you spent literally every day w/ your family. now you are expanding your horizon beyond your families. you will start to know/learn things that your parents don’t know (e.g. we don’t know what you did at school today, what you sang, who you met, if they were nice to you, etc.) this is a big step for our family, and i am not sure if i am ready for that.

while you were at daycare, we got extra bookshelves delivered to our house, so daddy and mommy ordered a lot of books that we loved when we were kids for you. mommy liked wayside story; daddy loved little house series and story girl/golden girl. daddy hopes you will read them one day. in fact, mommy is looking forward to read all those books to you when you grow up….several years from now.

daddy is going to sleep now…. need to wake up and take you to day care tomorrow. i know you probably will cry and hold onto us….and we had to pry your little hands off our body and push you into the daycare home. it’s scary to think about that, but at the end, after today, i trust that you are not a weak child. you are strong, brave, and you will love this new chapter of your life soon.

here are some conversation screenshots from today for your references/memories.